This post is dedicated to Colgate's Monthly Rag's potential in cracking me up each time. The following are excerpts that I read and wish to share with you all, if you have not done so already.

Opinion: Prospective Student, I Am Judging You.
-I'm judging you so hard right now. Nice to meet you, now shake my hand. Honestly, that was the most dead fish handshake I've ever received.
You there, chubster: judging by your girth I'd say your BMI is definitely over 1.0. Lose three pounds or get out of my sight immediately. How am I supposed to explain to my friends back home that Men's Fitness magazine no longer ranks Colgate in the top three most fit campuses in the nation? Fourth place?! I won't settle for mediocrity.
Oh what's that? Yes, I am a bit drunk. Dollar drafts is in seven hours, and I need to pre-game.
Oh, you don't drink? No, I wouldn't worry about peer pressure to drink here. People have to talk to you in order to peer pressure you.

Case Library: A Case Study in the Social Hierarchy
The library is easily the most diverse place on campus. Essential groups:
-Social Butterflies, aka Future Sorority Members:
These young starlings come dressed to impress and are known for the ability to loiter in the third floor path between the ITS desk and Circulation. Generally they never know when to shut the fuck up. But they provide a vital part of the social hierarchy, as they make everyone feel better about themselves.
-Pretenders:
Generally freshmen, these library goers are extremely noticeable. They get up every five minutes, stay for no more than an hour, and generally don't get any work done. Their motivation is usually driven by some crazy belief that they actually did work because they came to the library.
-Animal House, or The Third Floor Tables:
These tables provide a great place to study early to mid-day, but come dinner time, abandon ship. These tables become swamped with your classic fraternity bros, people trying to cram in work before the party starts, and an all around social contingency.
-The Second Floor Things:
These individuals go straight downstairs, never to be heard from again. They consist of seniors writing their thesis papers and the occasional couple looking to get a quick bang in a study room.
-Anyone in a Cubby:
Quite possibly the second most depressing place to work, it is a step up from the second floor unless you're getting laid. These individuals hate natural light and probably won't help you with that problem set you have no desire to do. It seems the only time it is acceptable to work in a cubby is on the third floor, but usually those people just weren't cool enough to sit at a big table.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to welcome of one the newest members of the class of 2013, Ms. Taylor Lake. That's right, an upcoming freshman named Taylor Lake. No, really. Creepin' in the Colgate 2013 Facebook group has its benefits. "Do an article entitled, "Male Student Wakes Up Wet in Taylor Lake!" screamed our Senior Executive Editor as he hurled our Konosioni trophy out the window. "News Flash: Colgate to Admit Bodies of Water: Hudson River Expected in 2014". So if you see Taylor Lake on campus next semester, give her a big hello. Feel free to friend her, tag her, or poke her (on or off Facebook), and know one thing: you are meeting someone whose admission was ensured several hours after she was born."

"I would like to expressly NOT thank Dolores, my fifth grade girlfriend and the first love of my life, who stole my self-worth and confidence when she shit all over my heart. But it's cool, she's dead now."

And now I shall leave you with a quote that I believe pretty much sums up all:
"There are two places I never want my daughter to go, the DMZ in the Korean peninsula and Colgate on Spring Party Weekend." -Walter Cronkite